Loneliness hurts.  At times it can feel like a curse, as if the Universe is punishing you for a past wrong. Feeling lonely can add to the anger that you feel about your divorce because your divorce is the reason why you are a ‘party of one’ right now.  We hope that the following list gives you some relief by knowing that now you have a plan of attack.  So go kick some loneliness a**!

 

1.  You always have a support group.  You may not believe it, or want to believe it, but we all have support somewhere, somehow.  You most likely have friends, family, support groups, whether on social media or in person, etc.    And if you have children then they count as well. Now, I am not saying that you should make your child your confidante but it is a reminder that you are loved and needed by someone out there.  You need to believe that if you need it, support is there for you.  Do not lose faith in humanity during this difficult time.

We strongly suggest support groups for people going through a divorce.  If you cannot physically attend a support group, then social media is a good alternative venue if you are strapped for time.  Try to stay away from the groups where they do nothing but bash their ex-spouses or other members in the group.  Look for positive vibes only – a support group that will help you find the best in the situation. No matter how shitty a situation ever is, there is always something positive that can be found, even if you can’t see it at the moment.

2.  Your fears are likely unfounded.  You may fear being alone.  You may fear growing old alone.  You may fear that some of your mutual friends are taking your ex’s side or that you are losing close relationships that took years to make.  We are resilient creatures.  Nothing horrible is going to happen from losing a friendship.  Your life will not end because you are forced to forge new friendships.  It is okay to shed some old ones that do not serve the purpose they once had, almost like the marriage itself.  Be patient and understanding as some people may not understand how their choices affect your feelings.  Sometimes friendships fail because of your friends’s own insecurities or because your friend does not fully understand how to support you in your time of need.  This is ok and it may not be permanent, but for the time being you have to let them go.  This does not mean that you will forever be alone or that you have lost everyone in your life.  Sit, take a breath, and think of all the positive relationships you still have in your life.  Write them down and look at them every day – it is probably a longer list than you thought and are going to be adding to it as the days go by!

3.  Be Patient.  You cannot fast-forward through the pain of your divorce.  You need to take it one day at a time.  Avoid obsessing about the future.

 We need to be mindful so that we are able to live in the moment, taking each moment as it comes, whether good or bad. 

 You will have moments that you feel great, or at least almost great, and you will have moments you feel sad and lonely.  Those sad feelings will pass, and each day you will become less fearful and more hopeful.

  • Be patient with yourself: Do not beat yourself up over how you feel or over your situation.

  • Be patient with others: You cannot control other people.

  • Let it go.

  • Be grateful for the ability to feel, even if it is sadness.  One of my favorite sayings is “It’s not about waiting for the storm to pass- it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.  This is so true. Learning to dance even through difficult times will make it feel like that storm wasn’t so bad after all and didn’t last that long!

 4.  Don’t be stubborn.  And we mean this in the nicest way possible!  Sometimes we are all stubborn, or have a feeling of having to do it all on our own.  This can actually become isolating, so the next time a friend asks you to go out (or if your mother or sister want to stop over, or a neighbor brings you dinner) welcome the experience!  Take a moment to stop wallowing in whatever emotions you are having, and let someone else take the reigns for a little while.  Immerse yourself into their world- listen to their problems and be the one to give them advice.  Being helpful to someone else creates a sense of value in ourselves.  Let’s face it- we all become stubborn or angry at ourselves for not being stronger, or feeling weak because society frowns upon that.  Be a strong, independent individual, right?  But, when you do not feel strong, do not feel ashamed to ask for help- either emotionally, physically or financially.  Sometimes divorce causes us to hit rock bottom.  It’s okay.  Do not feel ashamed to enlist the help of whomever is willing to help you.  If it is offered, do not shy away from saying yes. You are worthy of being cared about and cared for!

 5. Spend some time with yourself.  Ok, this may sound confusing as you may be thinking “why would I want to be alone when I am sad about being alone?”.  Well, you are stuck with you…forever!  Until you take your last breath, your voice is what you will hear everyday and your face is what you will see everyday.  Our children grow up and move out, friendships come and go, and our parents will get older and pass on.  It is part of life. And as we already know, marriages do not last forever.  Take some time for yourself.  Create a day with just you and get to really know you.  Go to a spa, enjoy a massage, or take some time to meditate.  You can also go to a library and see what kind of books you may want to read.  There are plenty of ways to get inside of your head instead of trying to escape it.  You must learn all about you if you want to survive.  You are the only one guaranteed to be with you until death do you part.  You might as well get to know you and love yourself.

 Love begins with you.