The snowball gains speed and size as it rolls down the hill or, in your case perhaps the mountain-sized discord in your divorce. You have heard it. We have seen it. The story goes something like this – she scheduled the kids to do something else during his parenting-time, so he missed a support payment, so she filed paperwork with the court and possibly went around town defaming him, his relatives, his friends, just to have him turn around and take the children on the biggest and best vacation EVER (without her, of course). Sound familiar?
Although the intent (or message) behind the action means the world to the spouse on the receiving end, it really has little bearing when we look at the big picture. The truth is that as time passes by, the reasons behind our actions get lost or forgotten leaving behind only devastation. It gets lost in the translation of who, what and why. Many forget and most of us unconsciously take part in revisionist history, putting the pieces of the puzzle together in a not so accurate way. All that anyone (your family, friends, and relatives) will see is the end result. What do you want your end-result to look like?
In the above story, the children missed time with their father, but consider this: perhaps their children were begging their mother to go to a birthday party. Perhaps their mother didn’t intend to interfere with his parenting-time. From another viewpoint, the father may have missed a support payment because work was slow or he had to pay for another expense for the children that hindered his ability to make a timely support payment. You see, this is the start – to see things with a different perspective. Now, it can be the start of learning when to practice patience while asking your ex the whys (facts), or it can be the start of the longest, most expensive battle in your lifetime that has got you sprinting down that hill hoping that you can stop that snowball from going any faster and getting any bigger. If you are reactive, you might view it as a maze. Do you go left, straight, or right? But, if you promise yourself to be still- well, then, the snowball cannot move without your participation.
Participation is required. Here are a few ways to avoid participation in your divorce snowball:
- Do not judge (make assumptions about) your ex’s action prior to speaking to him or her.
- Check in with your Ego. How are you allowing your ex’s action to have meaning in your life? What are you allowing it to say about you and how you label yourself?
- Consider a peaceful response or attitude (even if it sounds painful). It’s as simple as the Law of Attraction. You can stop this snowball’s speed and size by creating small detours of non-reaction or kind behavior.
Have you recognized that you are in the midst of a divorce snowball effect? In this volley of back and forth, is the ball now in your court? What is your next move? Think about this. Do you add to the devastation? Do you stop participating? Do you try to shift your perspective to allow yourself to think rather than react and assume? Ultimately, the choice is yours and yours alone.
Remember, love begins with you!