This is a personal account of my pain. Everything turned upside down without any warning. That was my life. No one told me that a catastrophe would occur and that it would upset all that I have worked so hard to create – this happy family in this happy home. But, I was sideswiped, duped, manipulated and left like an injured animal on the side of the road. At that time, I would have waited for an officer to pull up on the side on the road to put my suffering to an end.
But I am a fighter so that would not be the end of me. I relied too much upon my husband at the time. Maybe it was codependency, maybe it wasn’t. But, I do know that I put too much weight upon his points of view and his desires. I, indeed, put him first. I did not receive the “thank you” I had anticipated. I did receive a response however, cloaked in the form of deceit, disregard and brazen proclamations. Who was this guy? Who did I marry? Was this all a sham?
Who was this person and why did I suddenly feel weak? Why did I feel helpless – this is not me. I am strong and opinionated, and yet, there I was like a tiny kitten hoping that a brush against a leg would get me the affection that I so desperately desired. For days, I dreamt of the apologies I had only seen in movies, where the man gets down on his knees carrying flowers, candy, tears….tears. I was waiting for a Hollywood-type profession of love and prolonged begging for forgiveness. (I am sure that I am not alone on that one).
I was met with indifference (you may relate), and the taste of indifference is enough to drive any woman “crazy”. I wish I knew then what I know now. I am not referring to knowing anything more about him, but I am referring to me. I wish that I knew me then the way I know myself now. I would have fared better. Yet, the lessons are duly noted and in a crazy kind of way, I would not have changed a thing.
If given the option to go back in time, I would choose to weather the storm all over again since it is the one true experience that has tested every inch of my character. Life put a mirror in front of my face and said, “Let’s see what kind of person you are. Let’s see your true character when you discover that everything you thought you knew is a lie.” It’s like running a marathon for which you did not train and were not prepared.
But, I had endurance and faith. I had a strong connection to my spirit, to my mind, and I had an understanding of myself. I had a friendship in me when all else failed in this world. I had respect for the lesson. I had respect for this life and when that giant wave tore down my house, I was left with me. I am the person that politely nudged myself out of bed when I lost all energy to move. I am the person that encouraged myself to go to work when work seemed meaningless. I coaxed myself to put a smile on my face when inside of my body I knew that my heart was broken in two. I urged myself to keep moving when I suffered from the physical pain of heartache. I am the one who eventually decided to laugh again, to live again. I am strong and in the end, I am all that I will ever need.
Love begins with you.