Walking away from a marriage can sometimes reintroduce you to insecurities that you thought were laid to rest decades ago. A friend confided in me his fear—which surfaces in a recurring dream—that he would never find a partner after his divorce. The recurring dream typically comes in several variations, such as this:
“I find myself walking through a beautiful field on a bright, sunny morning. I have the entire day to myself; no responsibilities and not a care in the world.
I soon come upon a large party. Everyone is drinking, laughing, and having a great time. Although I don’t know a single person, I am immediately accepted and treated as a friend. People here seem to genuinely like me and this makes me feel good!
Just when I think the day could not get any better, my eyes fall upon the most beautiful woman at the party. Her smile melts my heart and, before I know it, it becomes clear that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her.
No words are necessary as we instantly connect. We hold hands and laugh as we go from group to group, activity to activity.
We continue to spend this amazing day together and my excitement builds [“Have I finally found my soulmate?”, I wonder]. This is the greatest day of my life and it seems like it will never end. Even the weather is perfect. I feel incredibly healthy, happy, and very confident. In fact—I will admit it—I feel downright cocky and invincible. This is all I ever wanted.
But then, something happens…
I become distracted for a moment, taking a few steps away to observe something or talk with someone. And before I can even turn back around, I know exactly what is about to happen (“you’ve been down this road many times, my friend,” that negative little voice in my head tells me). I get a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I am overtaken with fear.
Sure enough, when I turn back around she is gone; she has vanished. And to make matters worse, the party has ended. It is now dark and garbage is strewn across the ground. The people who remain are disheveled and distant. I can’t believe this just happened to me…again! Why did I take my eyes off of her, even for just a moment?
“To hell with this,” I tell myself. “I’m not going down without a fight.” I begin searching and calling out, though I know in my heart my attempt is futile. I run to the few remaining people and ask if they have seen my girl. They shake their heads and give me a condescending smile [“you fool. You didn’t think that was going to last, did you?”, they seem to be saying]. No one seems to know and, further, I get a subtle feeling that these people take pleasure in knowing that someone I cared about left me without explanation.
With the realization that this amazing day is really over, I have no choice but to go back home feeling sorry for myself; lonely, disappointed, and angry.”
Have you had similar dreams?
Perhaps my friend’s divorce has re-awakened feelings of self-defeat, worthlessness, and anxiety. Perhaps it has brought him back to the frustrating cycle that many of us go through while dating in our early years; i.e., finding someone, falling for someone, losing someone, and then starting all over again.
And perhaps the dream has, in a very harsh fashion, brought him back to feelings of abandonment from his childhood. It seems cruel to find a soulmate and then have the soulmate vanish without explanation. Could this mean that he has unresolved feelings for his ex-wife or even his mother?
I find it interesting that he “refuses to go down without a fight.” What does this mean?
As discussed in previous blog posts, tough emotional times are often the impetus for recurring dreams so you may find that the stress surrounding your marriage/divorce has caused a spike in your recurring dreams.
Evaluating your dreams requires you to be vulnerable. Yes, it’s uncomfortable because in order to get to the root of the emotion you must honestly acknowledge experiences in your life that you would rather not. But keep in mind that vulnerability is not the equivalent of weakness. Vulnerability allows us to deepen our understanding of our individual nature and subconscious self.
My friend has requested your comments on his recurring dream. Please feel free to tell us what you think it means or is trying to tell him.
Remember, love begins with you.