Is surrendering important to your divorce?  What does it mean and why would you want to surrender?

Is the idea of surrendering insulting to you or does it make you feel defensive?

I have always considered myself a “contemporary” woman, some might call me a jack of all trades, or, in all honestly, a survivor of a chaotic life. I know many women and men that fit into this mold. They are individuals that work incredibly hard at making it ALL work.  I am referring to a job, maintaining a home, paying the bills, mowing the lawn, doing the laundry, dishes, volunteering at school events, tending to children, acting as chauffeur …and the list goes on and on.

But, what about the marriage? Where and when does marriage fit into this crazy, hectic and unnatural life?  As we all know, many marriages suffer from the lack of communication, intimacy, and overall appreciation.

I recall a conversation with a good friend in which she stated that spouses need to surrender to their marriage and that if they did, they would get along better. At the heart of it, she was talking about acceptance.  But, I didn’t know what she meant at the time.  I remember that I responded in a defensive way by saying that spouses should get exactly what they want from one another and from the marriage. I felt angry about her statement.  I mean, what on earth was she thinking when she said “surrender”?

But as I bear witness to divorce, as we all do, the idea of surrendering must be the precursor to consciously divorcing your spouse.  To surrender is to embrace acceptance and to actively let go of ideas like control and manipulation.  I admit, I may continue to be a little stuck on the idea of surrendering during a marriage because every relationship is fact sensitive: promises can be fulfilled and broken in any number of ways; emotionally, physically, or financially. Who is to say who should surrender?  However, I see how naturally surrendering fits into the ending of a marriage.

It is difficult for us to accept mediocrity in our marriages or to face the reality that our marriages may not be our primary source of our happiness.  Recognizing the unsatisfying nature of our marriages, we seek excitement and stimulus through other means, such as hobbies and sports – maybe even an affair.  But, the need to find happiness in the exterior world when all else seems stagnant has no place in divorce because divorce is a direction – there is no more limbo.  There is no more “one last chance.” Divorce is a decision that affords certainty.   You have a path to travel and you know that there is an end- a finality.  There is hope after this pain.    You will soon have freedoms, desired or undesired. So why not surrender to divorce?

All too often, spouses refuse to accept the changes that come with divorce.  After all, who wants to split assets and split time with their children?  Who wants to tamper with their security? Who wants to have less money or be forced to sell property to pay counsel fees? The practical application of “surrender” is to be aware of the many decisions that you face and to accept the fact that you CAN make these decisions without anger or revenge being the driving force. Accept that divorce is happening to you, and surrender to the changes. Once you acknowledge that change will happen, you allow yourself to start seeing your future.

Resistance creates discord in the mind, body and spirit.  Some might call it burying your head in the sand.  Instead of making decisions, some people choose to avoid telephone calls, emails, text messages, and letters from attorneys.  They might feel that if they do not provide an answer or a decision, that everyone will wait.  But, this is never the case.  A decision will be made, and when someone’s head is in the sand, it’s usually the judge.

Surrendering to your divorce also brings to the forefront the recreation of your life.  This divorce is the first step and the many changes and decisions that you are faced with will bring you a love and deeper understanding of yourself, which will bring you happiness.  You are able to face this head-on because you have surrendered to the idea of being separate, leaving your marriage behind you, and allowing time to create something beautiful for you.

Surrender to the unknown:  Think of living a life where you figure things out as you go.  Worry less.  Obsess less.  Imagine more.  Love more. Surrender to new ideas about happiness.  Think about how you wish to live now. Surrender to a new identity.  Embrace your new world with vigor and determination!

Love begins with you!